I’ve been building up thoughts, emotions, insecurities, self hate, anger, sadness during all this school year. I’ve already wrote here that I needed my psychiatrist so I could cry and vent with her and hear her, I miss it. I’m on summer holidays atm and I’ve been on a bad mood all the time, and ruining my mother’s mood as well. I hate it. Every time I think of something like an event that will happen sooner or later my first thought is ‘I wish I’m dead by then’. I just don’t feel like doing things, I don’t feel like struggling or whatever. I don’t like living. I hate myself, I don’t want to be this person, I don’t want to live being this person. I will fail at everything in my future, that’s how I feel, and I don’t want to fight for anything, I just feel so lazy. ugh. I don’t even want to go talk to people because it takes effort. i don’t even have hobbies anymore, I don’t feel like doing anything.
I did good this year, I’m talking about my marks (what do marks even count to anything) but my practice is so bad, I wonder what will happen when the practice will be with people at hospitals, I’m going to die. My practice teacher told me to seek help for my anxiety since I had I cried 3 times during my practice and one of them I totally froze and couldn’t breath. I want to look for help, I even dreamt I with my teacher saying it again and during the dream I thought ‘I’m totally going to do it’, but how does everyone deal with everything? I just feel like I don’t deserve the help and I’m overreacting. Everyone has bad thoughts and they deal with them. idk. im sorry if you read this